1. Apparently, it’s in poor taste to ask for a channel change while the football game is taking place.
2. There are like, a million hours of guys in helmets before and after the half time show.
3. I do not have the attention span to care about commercials.
4. Super Bowl parties essentially center around people wearing jerseys, eating fried food and drinking beer. None of those things appeal to me. In fact, my ideal party scenario is the exact opposite of that.
5. Nobody wants to come to a Super Bowl Sunday party with a “black tie preferred” dress code, tons of champagne, Molly, and a ban on anything football related. Rude.
6. I can’t deal with sitting in a room full of people who are focused on something other than me.
7. People get annoyed when you ask what inning it is.
8. As if being forced to watch the stupid game wasn’t enough, everyone wants to watch the stupid interviews AFTER the game, and then the highlight reel that takes place after that.
9. Last year was Gisele’s epic post-game rant, and another time Kendra Wilkinson was there with her baby. This year, there will be NO supermodels or ex-playmates attending the game because, clearly, none of the guys on either team is competent, famous, or hot enough to score a buzz-worthy wife.
10. I don’t even know anyone from San Francisco, nor do I know anyone from Baltimore. I can’t deal with a group of drunk bandwagon fans for a night.
11. Garnet and gold is a gross color combo. I can’t really support the whole “black and purple” color scheme either.
12. Football requires the players to wear helmets, so it’s not even as if I can hope the hot one wins the match, or whatever.
13. It’s going to take place during Revenge.
14. Britney Spears won’t be performing alongside Beyonce.
15. Football is only semi-fun when you can blackout at a tailgate before the game, ignore the game because you’re too busy taking pictures with your besties during it, and leave early to get to the bar afterward.
16. We’re expected to bake and contribute food, but I can’t even deal with the “GAME DAY” overload of football-themed baked goods on Pinterest. Like, no.
17. Even worse than the guys who care about the game are their annoying try-hard girlfriends who want to seem “cool” and “chill,” by pretending to care. It’s not cute that you’re yelling at a TV, you trashy slut. PS, your roots are showing.
18. The game takes place at night. This means you’ll spend your whole Sunday fun day semi-sober, as you get ready for the party. You’ll also start your week with a wicked hangover.
19. If you don’t understand football, nothing is more confusing than trying to feign interest in a game when it’s frowned upon to ask questions.
20. I never know what the dress code to a Super Bowl Party is, because there is no way I would ever wear a jersey.
21. I live in fear of being upstaged by the bitch who actually made the aforementioned “Game Day” cupcakes from some Pinterest recipe.
22. If you’re not at a house party and opt to go to a sports bar, it’s the WORST night to even think about meeting someone. Every guy there is actually more interested in looking at other guys than at you.
23. The dominance of the subject matter all over every single social media source is beyond annoying. Like, it’s a game. Someone’s going to win and someone’s going to lose. Why does everyone seem SO surprised by this concept, and feel the need to talk about it excessively?
24. People get upset about losing money because they bet on the game. I will never understand why people gamble on sporting events. If you have to lose money, go to a casino. It’s chic as fuck and Vegas is always in season.
25. I don’t even like sports.
PS: Huge thanks to my esteemed colleague Bacon for telling me who was playing in the tournament this weekend.