Smile everyone, and prepare to face the day. It’s April 25th, and you know what that means. Today is the day that Miss Rhode Island infamously described her perfect date.
It got me thinking, if it was a perfect day for Miss Rhode Island, certainly it should be for you, too. If your day doesn’t look exactly like this, you’re doing April 25th wrong.
1. You wake up feeling a little further from the edge of death than you do on most mornings.
2. In the moment between wake and sleep when you’re normally plagued with guilt as you’re about to realize you blacked out again, you discover your memories from last night are intact.
3. Pleasantly, you discover you did not do anything to publicly embarrass yourself last night.
4. Because you did not premeditate an encounter with a gentleman caller, the only embarrassing “I fucking love you and I want you in my bed tonight” text bomb you sent was to your big.
5. You are in your own bed.
6. The man next to you has not only a handsome face, but a familiar one.
7. There is a condom wrapper on your nightstand, which is great because your uterus was on the brink of becoming a vestigial organ on account of Plan B overdose. STDs are also bad for PR.
8. Drunk you brought a gatorade to your bedside, so you don’t even have to get up to hydrate.
9. Class is canceled. For you. By you.
10. You wake up (again) at 12:30, feeling fully rested.
11. You end up having one of those my-hair-must-have-been-blown-out-by-Jesus-Himself good hair days.
12. Your tanning salon is offering a complimentary upgrade to a higher bed. You don’t burn.
13. That skank in your rival sorority crosses your path on your way to the bar. Much to your delight, she has gotten horrible highlights. You pay her a perfectly passive aggressive backhanded compliment.
14. You’re overcome with joy when you realize almost your entire pledge class happens to be at the bar when you arrive. It’s either a serendipity or alcoholism, but regardless, you’ve been secured an elusive seat on the patio.
15. Double LITs are $3 instead of $4 today. You elect to drink four of them so you still total $12, rather than save money.
16. “Perfect Paul,” the guy you’ve had a lingering and unabashed obsession with even three semesters after things ended, passes by the patio and you can’t even feel your heart beating in your fallopian tubes. You’re either very drunk or finally over him.
17. When he stops to ask if you’re going out later and promises to text you later, you realize the former is true. It’s fine though, because he has clearly been harboring residual feelings for you (or your boobs), as well.
18. Your little stops by for a beverage, even though she’s a bookworm and usually concerns herself with “studying.” You don’t even care that you knocked over a table of full beers in front of the entire establishment in your excitement.
19. The bouncer also doesn’t care that you knocked over a table of full beers in front of the entire establishment in your excitement.
20. Collectively, your roommates and you decide to abandon your diets and drunchie hard for dinner, freshman style. You enjoy every last greasy, cheesy, caloric morsel you inhale.
21. As you’re about to brave the long walk home, your best friend’s boyfriend happens to be driving by and offers you a ride.
22. You awaken from your nap at exactly 9:00PM, the perfect time to begin to rally. You neither look, nor feel haggard, and need only do a quick touch-up and outfit change in preparation for the evening.
23. Perfect Paul actually does text you. You’re certain things will work out between you this time.
24. You beat the line at your favorite bar.
25. The DJ plays Wagon Wheel twice, neither time is the Darius Rucker version.
You will undoubtedly spend the rest of your evening drifting happily into oblivion. You will remain blissfully unaware that when the clock strikes 12, your carriage will turn back into a pumpkin and your risk manager will see you dancing on the bar. It will have been worth it.
Happy April 25, ladies! Don’t forget a light jacket.
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org