Ah, relationships. It’s the cornerstone of every rom-com, and the thing most of us have been reaching for since before we could tie our shoes. Still, you think once you have a boyfriend the hard work is over. Ha. No, once you’ve become offish, that’s when the real work starts. You have to learn how to pick your battles, how to co-exist with someone, and how to be honest without being too honest. Sure, the foundation of every relationship is held together with trust. But do you know what the glue of that foundation is?
Little. White. Lies.
Nothing bad. Nothing relationship-ending. But when it comes to the truth in relationships, sometimes we have to bend it, juuuuuust a bit. What? I never said we were perfect.
- No, I don’t still talk to my ex.
I just stalk him, his new girlfriend, and his mom on every single form of social media ever created.
- Or think about him. Ever.
Except when our song comes on. Or we eat at that one place. Or when he pops up on my timeline. Or just, because.
- Oh, I didn’t know you dated her.
I know when you dated her, I know your anniversary, I know what pet names you called her, and I know what you got her for Christmas in 2013.
- Yeah I’ve only slept with like, four people. Tops.
Multiplied a few times over.
- I’m not the jealous type.
- I don’t want fries.
I want fries. But I don’t want to order them. But yes. I’ll eat all of yours.
- Or a dessert.
We better be getting a fucking dessert.
- Oh sorry, I was busy.
I haven’t shaved in a few days, was disgustingly deep in a Netflix binge, and was pretty much just playing mind games with you. Whoops.
- No, we sort of dated but it wasn’t anything serious.
I had a Pinterest board dedicated completely to my dream wedding with him. And yes, all of our future children’s names were picked out. Including middle names.
- I’m not hungry either.
I’m literally always hungry. I could literally always eat. I literally want to eat right now.
- Have fun.
Don’t you dare have fun without me.
- You’re the biggest I’ve ever had.
Today. You’re the biggest I’ve ever had, today.
- Who was there?
Thanks to stalking the pictures from the event on Facebook, the tagged photos on Instagram and Twitter, and all of your friends’ social medias, I know exactly who was there.
- I want to take things slow, too.
I’ve already purchased towels with our future monograms on them. Non-returnable too, just saying.
- I like sports.
Drinking games count, right?
- I’m into boy things.
I’m into boys.
- Yeah, I’d consider having a threesome.
You, me, and a large pizza. That’s about it. But I’ll let you think I’m considering it until I get a ring.
- Or trying buttstuff.
- You don’t need to get me anything for Christmas/my birthday/our anniversary.
This is a test. If you don’t get me that thing I’ve been hinting at for months you 100 percent fail.
- I wasn’t really that drunk.
I couldn’t remember my own name. Or yours, when I called you thirty-seven times.
- I’m like, really low-maintenance.
As long as you do exactly what I want, never say the wrong thing, and swear to avoid all other girls forever. Then yeah. Totally low-maintenance.
- No, I don’t care if you have friends who are girls.
Unless you actually do have friends who are girls. This is hypothetical, right?
- And it’s great that you want to stay on good terms with your ex.
Or we could just kill her. Either way. Either way.
- I’m fine.