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23 Excuses Not To Go To The Gym Today

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To many young women, the gym is the biggest and most pertinent of frenemies. Yes, it gives us endorphins. Endorphins make us happy, which make us not kill our invisible husbands, but at the same time, like, no. Sweat. Pain. No short-term results. We just can’t. So what if you drunkenly announced, “I’m going to the gym for, like, nine hours tomorrow” to the entire party last night? Here are some excuses to make yourself feel better about sitting on your ass.

  1. I already worked up a sweat getting ready this morning.
  2. I don’t want to look like Venus or Serena Williams.
  3. It’s the third Wednesday of the month.
  4. If I die tomorrow, I’ll never know what a double-stuffed, fried, peanut butter Oreo topped with caramel and buttercream brittle looks like on Food Porn.
  5. I just got a manicure.
  6. I had sex two weeks ago–that “workout” should last me at least a month.
  7. My gym clothes won’t match.
  8. I’m bored and the gym will only make me more bored.
  9. *Airplane flies overhead.* Yup, that’s definitely thunder. Driving in the rain gave me a panic attack once.
  10. Rush hour is an hour away. There will be too much traffic and I have severe claustrophobia.
  11. Easy Mac exists.
  12. Bravolebrities are too enticing.
  13. If I leave now, I’ll only have two hours and 46 minutes to get ready for tonight. Definitely not enough time.
  14. My chakra is unbalanced.
  15. I literally don’t know how to use any machine but the treadmill.
  16. Girls will judge me.
  17. Guys will oogle me and I’ll think they’re judging me.
  18. “Titanic” is on and I haven’t had my weekly cry.
  19. What happens if I meet my future husband tomorrow and I have no wedding pinboard to revert to?
  20. It’s a Monday.
  21. It’s definitely National Don’t Work Out Day.
  22. I just coughed and WebMD says I’m dying.
  23. Someone somewhere wants to build a snowman with me. I can’t let that person down.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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