We’ve all been there. You were a drunk disaster the night before–so drunk, even Lindsay Lohan would be ashamed of you. There is nothing more miserable than knowing everyone around you was a witness to you being the biggest disgrace of a human while completely blacked out. No need to fret, because TSM is here to help you salvage your life until your next night of drunken debauchery. (Side note: we all wish we could have been there.)
- So, you got drunk and made out with a sister?
Did you get free drinks out of it? If not, save that for creepy guys who will at least make it worth your while.
- So, you got drunk and danced on a stripper pole?
Purchase a jug of bulk-sized hand sanitizer at Costco and dump the entire thing over yourself.
- So, you got drunk and kissed your ex?
Deny until you’re blue in the face. Make sure to tell everyone he tried to get with you and you gave him a big, fat N-O.
- So, you got drunk and showed everyone your boobs?
Whatever, your boobs are awesome, anyway. Just destroy any photos that may have been taken.
- So, you got drunk and opened all your Christmas presents?
Rewrap them and be surprised all over again! It’s not like you will remember what you got.
- So, you got drunk and shopped online?
Send yourself a nice thank you note for all the presents you bought yourself since it will inevitably be a great surprise when you open up what you purchased.
- So, you got drunk and watched all your Netflix shows?
Restart them and act like it didn’t happen. It’s not like you remember what happened.
- So, you got drunk and cut your hair?
Schedule and emergency appointment with your stylist and hope that you purchased a lot of hats during your blackout, online shopping binge.
- So, you got drunk and got a tattoo?
Cross your fingers that it’s a Mike Tyson face tattoo–you would like badass with one of those.
- So, you got drunk and started a fire making frozen corn dogs?
Hit on hot firemen and salvage as many corn dogs as you can.
- So, you got drunk and burned all of your frozen corn dogs?
You can scrape off that burned part.
- So, you got drunk and ate a bunch of burned, frozen corn dogs?
Calories don’t count after midnight.
- So, you got drunk and did body shots with an uggo?
Ignore him for the rest of forever and rejoice in free shots.
- So, you got drunk and talked to your professor, family friend, or boyfriend’s family?
Enter the witness protection program and hopefully move to the region in France where Franzia is produced.
- So, you got drunk and cried in public?
Blame it on your period and consider never going out again. The only time it’s appropriate to cry in public is with your bestie when you discuss how much you love each other.
- So, you got drunk and shacked up with a random?
Make sure you steal a good shirt and avoid him like the plague.
- So, you got drunk and ate an entire pizza?
Drink lots of water and put the box in your roommate’s garbage.
- So, you got drunk and bought the bar a round of shots on your parents’ credit card?
It’s always better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Also, don’t forget to compliment your mother on how young she looks and how thick your dad’s hair is looking these days.
- So, you got drunk and tweezed all but four of your eyebrow hairs?
Throw away your tweezers and get ready to become BFFs with your eyebrow pencil.
- So, you got drunk and stole something?
Sneak it into your guy friend’s place and play dumb.
- So, you got drunk and agreed to meet a creepy dude from Tinder?
Time to bust out your fake name and use a semi-believable British accent. “Tinder? We don’t have that across the pond.”
- So, you got drunk and did nothing that was embarrassing?
You should be ashamed. Clearly, you need to reevaluate your late-night decision making.