To pin, or not to pin? In the modern age, that is the question. Do you like this impossible recipe, this ridiculously difficult craft, or this outfit that would actually make you look like a lumberjack enough to share it with the world?
I have a love/hate relationship with most things in life. The best things in life are bad for you. It’s science. That cigarette you had when you were drunk the other night will probably murder you. The grain alcohol you pour down your gullet might not be the absolute best for your little liver. Even though MiCy approves of waiting in line for lines in the bathroom, that doesn’t make it right. Your douchenozzle of a not-boyfriend is so much fun, until the next morning when there are tears, and possibly diseases. It makes sense. Everyone knows that the best things in life aren’t free — they’re ridiculously expensive, dangerous, and sometimes illegal. So, it’s understandable that I would have a serious love/hate relaysh with Pinterest, because it feels so good, until it goes bad. Plus, it’s not really free, it just uses up all of your free time, until you’re Alice going down the rabbit hole, never to return to real life.
Pinterest, it’s not me. It’s you. With your expensive designer items, un-linkable links, and borderline impossible crafts, the struggle is real. At the end of the day, why custom brew a pumpkin latte that takes 24 hours and 12 trips to the grocery store to create, when I could just buy one on at the local Starbs? But I do love to think about making it. It’s the perfect love/hate relationship. Here’s what stands out:
1. Pinterest makes me feel like I’m actually starving. This really disrupts my liquid diet — I prefer to consume only liquor and lattes.
2. If I make the mistake of eating before I prepare to pin, I immediately regret my decision as I’m bombarded with photos of thigh gaps and exercises that a double-jointed Chinese gymnast would struggle with. I have no choice to schedule my next trip to the gym and try out the exercises that will help me drop 12 dress sizes immediately.
3. It makes me feel like I should either be constantly baking, or constantly working out.
4. I respect my friends who plan to become teachers — I certainly don’t plan to be on diaper duty forever — but that doesn’t mean I want to see every lesson plan they ever dream of giving.
5. How will I ever get the thigh gap of my dreams if I’m too busy baking oreo stuffed chocolate chip red velvet cake? Your move, Pinterest.
6. The best way to give yourself a self-inflicted “I’m-going-to-die-alone” panic attack is to pin your entire wedding onto a secret board while you’re super single.
7. You can’t actually buy anything. Nothing is worse than letting your mouse hover over the “check out” button on the page for a stunning pair of perfectly nude Loubs you can’t afford.
8. The makeup tutorials aren’t real. There is no way in hell I could cover my entire eyelid in black, purple, and glitter to create a subtly smokey eye. It would only create a slutty one, and I’m not going for heroin chic.
9. No one is crafty enough to perfectly re-create every single Pinterest DIY, except for that one sister who could challenge a world class artist when she’s addied up.
10. Where can I actually purchase pins? Asking for myself, not a friend. More than half the links connect me to nowhere, so now I’ll never be able to have the precious fall outfit of my dreams.
11. While mason jars and hand-painted wooden signs seem adorable for your virtual wedding, in real life it looks like you got lost in a barnyard on the way to the dollar store and had to create a party with the bales of hay you found.
12. Dream weddings should not resemble a Project Runway challenge.
13. The inspirational quotes are far better (and less expensive) than actual therapy.
14. It’s a fabulous passive aggressive way to share angry little tid-bits with ex-not-boyfriends and frenemies to make sure they know you’re better off without them.
15. You can start planning for your potential child years in advance on your nuggets board.
16. Where else will you keep all of your wedding ideas? After all, a guy could get kind of creeped out if he slept over and turned up a whole pile of bridal magazines. Your romance board is top secret.
17. The recipes are perfectly impressive for big/little, and so are the crafts.
18. It’s the best way to lose yourself for a couple million hours on the internet.
19. Re-pinning ideas you’ll never re-create is way more fun than actually crafting.
20. Even though Pinterest is pictures of pretty things you can neither find, nor afford, it’s perfect procrastination.