For some reason, bottle-chugging, can-crushing, beer bong-demolishing girls have convinced men everywhere they are the ultimate dream girls. They’ve been luring guys in with their “just one of the boys” strategy, and it’s an unfair advantage. I seriously don’t get it. Do you actually like the stuff, or is it all one big ploy to which my invitation got lost in the mail?
For the rest of us who think beer tastes like week-old animal urine, which it does, we’re left with two options:
• Cautiously sip on it, avoid gagging, then when the time is right, sneakily pour the rest in the sink, potted plant, or abandoned solo cup.
• Reject the free beer offer with a simple “ew,” then proceed to be politely labeled a “pussy.”
However, I have finally found a solution for all the members of the She Woman Beer Haters Club. After stumbling upon these super cool ways to turn down weed, the answer seemed so simple. I’d like to introduce you to The Ultimate Beer Hater’s Guide To Turning Down Beer And Still Looking Cool.
- “No thanks, as much as I’d love to, I have a corn allergy and I would instantly die.”
- “My second cousin works in a beer manufacturing plant and says it has loads of carcinogens. No cancer for this girl.”
- “Did you say deer? Where?!” This is where you run away.
- “I’d love a beer, but I just got fresh highlights, and everyone knows you can’t drink 24 hours after using hair dye.” Boys are stupid and will probably believe this.
- “Yeah, beer actually cancels out birth control. I’ll just stick to this punch…”
- “Beyoncé said the secret to her body is sticking strictly to wine. What Queen Bey says goes, you know?”
- “Haven’t you heard? Beer makes your boobs shrink.”
- “My AA sponsor strongly advised against it.”
- “What? I can’t hear you over this killer DJ! Let’s go take shots!” This one works every time.
- “Beer reminds me of my ex.” Only use this as an escape strategy.
- “Ugh, I loooove beer, but my best friend is on a diet and I’m trying to be supportive. Maybe next time!”
- “I’m Russian and I only stick to my heritage. I’ll take a vodka tonic, please.”
- “My dog got hit by a Budweiser truck. Haven’t been able to touch the stuff since.”
- “But there’s so much liquor here! I’d rather save the beer for all you boys to enjoy. I’m such a giver, don’t worry about it.”
- “I heard Hitler really liked beer, and I’m no Nazi.”
- “I brought this really cute shot glass–do you have any liquor instead?”
- “Dr. Oz and Oprah just came out and said that mixed drinks lead to a better GPA. I’m just trying to be a good student.”
- “I’m actually a fitness model. Yeah, I know you can’t tell under these clothes, but this body is a temple. However, there’s protein in Fireball!”
- “I’d rather impress you and take a round of shots. No chase.” This is way more impressive than shotgunning, anyway.
On second thought, forget about it. Just stick with your basic “Sorry, I don’t like beer.” A cool guy won’t care, and you can tell the haters to keep working on their guts. Zing. .