Easter has come and gone, and graduates are decorating their caps which means one thing and one thing only — spring is in full swing. While some low maintenance individuals appreciate spring for the flowers and the potential of quasi-summer warm weather it brings, the rest of us whiney bitches may take a moment to appreciate the ability to finally wear white shoes again, but will predictably fall back into a pattern of chronic bitching. Still, despite the fact that we got our way, and the snow is finally melting there are a few downsides to this newfound sunshine.
1. The weather is bipolar as fuck
Spring’s mood swings are worse than a bitch on her period. It’s not hot and it’s not cold. It will go from bone dry to hair-suddenly-becomes-an-afro humid. Forget being comfortably dressed all day because it might be 42 degrees in the morning and 78 degrees in the afternoon.
2. Black is not as socially acceptable of a color to wear
Black is a great color. It’s slimming, it matches everything, and it is overall just a bad bitch color. With the coming of spring, black becomes a color reserved only for funerals and goth chicks with eye makeup resembling a raccoon’s eyes.
3. The Bachelor is over
And who gives a fuck about The Bachelorette. I do not find entertainment in watching fifteen godlike men fight over some chick who already had a shot at winning prince charming.
4. Spring break is over
Spring break is the ultimate incentive to work hard in school. Study your ass off now to party your ass off later. Take away that incentive and you might as well submit your request to withdraw from the semester now.
5. And summer isn’t going to be as relaxing as you’d hoped
You either have to take a class, have an internship or be working. Thanks a lot, parents.
6. Unless you are a tan goddess, pastels look tacky as fuck
I don’t know about you, but my goal in life is to look like a hot piece of ass NOT an oversized easter egg.
7. Wasn’t floral so fourth grade?
Floral dresses give me flashbacks of my awkward “my mom still dresses me, I still have braces, and guys won’t touch me with a ten-foot poll” phase. I’ll pass.
8. Time to pack up the vests and boots
You know all that money you just spent on fur vests and riding boots? Might as well have flushed that cash down the toilet because all your new winter staples are entirely irrelevant now.
9. Time to put down the pizza and start working on your bikini bod
Spring is the time to hit the gym and prep your summer bod. Say goodbye to the comfort food and say hello to wilting lettuce.
10. Isn’t “ring by spring” supposed to be a thing?
Spring is the iconic time of engagements. Good thing I’m single as fuck.
11. Bikinis are full price again
I hope you took advantage of all the discounted steals because bikinis just skyrocketed from $7 to $57.
12. Recruitment workshops are starting…again.
Better start wearing heels around the house because the “bounce and clap until your legs are about to fall off and you are resisting the urge to punch the girl next to you in the face” season is back.
13. Allergies become too real
If you’re that bitch who says she loves spring because of the blossoming flowers, just know that the other 98 percent of humans with a severe pollen allergy lowkey resent your existence.
14. You have to shave your legs
I don’t know about you, but because it’s been jean season, I have managed to sprout what could be mistaken for a small Christmas tree farm on my legs. Guess it’s time to break out the weed whacker.
15. You have to start weaning off your go-to hot Starbucks drink
Bye bye, Nonfat double-shot caramel late double heated with extra foam. You will be missed.
16. Weather is no longer an excuse to be MIA
“Sorry, I couldn’t make it to the standards meeting. The snowstorm prevented me from even opening my door, much less driving my car all the way to my own crucifixion” is no longer an acceptable excuse.
17. Graduation is here
If you’re the one graduating then the feelings of sheer terror corresponding with graduation are obvious, but for the rest of us who are still stuck in the four-year vortex of getting drunk off Four Locos, graduation means losing friends and sorority family members to the pressures of the real world.
18. Spring cleaning will be the death of me
Most days I can barely find the motivation to get out of bed to pee. The idea of spending an entire day sorting through shit that I know I don’t need but can’t seem to get rid of (read: ex-boyfriend’s belongings) sounds way worse than continuing to live in a cesspool worthy of being featured on an episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive.
19. An extra hour of daylight bumps the night party scene back an hour
A month ago you could hit the clubs at six o’clock pm because everyone knows that when the sun disappears, so do your morals. Now it’s light out until at least seven o’clock meaning you can kiss that extra hour of questionable behavior goodbye.
Some people might read this list and think that it is a bit pessimistic. If you are one of those people, just know that although you might celebrate the coming of spring and deem dancing around a maypole in warm weather clothing appropriate, the rest of us “realists” will see you as a tacky pastel-clad stripper and continue to complain about you..
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