Sex is weird. People are weird. People talking about sex is even weirder. And a lot of the time, none of us know what the hell anyone else is referring to. He put his what where? She did what to his what? It’s confusing and gross and it makes even the most perverted person feel out of the loop. So I took it upon myself to compile a list of the most common, yet strange, sex terms out there. Mind you, these are not the strangest ones in the world, but I figured I’d ease you into the land of disturbing sex-lingo. I’ve ordered this from least gross, to repulsive, that way, if you feel like you want to vom, maybe stop there and don’t read on.
Just know that the weird fantasy you keep having about your Stats professor is nothing to be ashamed about.
- Going Down
Giving someone the gift of oral sex.
Used in a sentence: “The trick to not ‘going down’ on a guy is to act like you fell asleep after he went down on you.”
- Eating Out
Making sweet, sensual love to a woman’s lady parts.
Used in a sentence: “If he’s ‘eating you out’ a few times a week, lock. that. tongue. down.”
To give oral sex with ice (or something cold) in your mouth.
Used in a sentence: “After eating ice cream, he gave me a ‘frosty’ and my world is no longer the same.”
- BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism)
Think handcuffs, masters, and Fifty Shades.
Used in a sentence: “He gave me a dog collar and said he wanted to try ‘BDSM.’ I gave him a jab in the balls and told him to go to hell.”
- Prince Albert
A piercing on a guy’s penis. It enters through the urethra and exits behind the glans. Some say it’s pleasurable, some say it’s a freak of nature. Think what you will, and avoid direct eye contact with it.
Used in a sentence: “When he said he had a ‘Prince Albert’ I thought he meant in his family, not in his pants.”
A woman puts on a strap-on and has anal sex with a guy because the world is a strange place.
Used in a sentence: “Sure baby. I’ll have anal with you, but only if you let me ‘peg’ you first, so you can tell me how it feels.”
- Pearl Necklace
When he ejaculates on your chest/neck because boys are disgusting.
Used in a sentence: “He said he wanted to give me a ‘pearl necklace.’ Instead he doused me in sperm and immediately became an ex.”
- Cream Pie
When he cums in one of your two, lower holes. That’s all I’m saying.
Used in a sentence: “I made him buy me Plan B and some Reese’s Cups after he ‘cream pied’ in me last night.”
- Money Shot
That moment when he ejaculates on your face (or eye, because this isn’t bad enough) and you wonder why you like men.
Used in a sentence: “I got to the end of the video, saw the ‘money shot,’ and realized that porn wasn’t for me.”
When a guy dips his balls into the mouth (or on the forehead) of someone, much like dipping a tea bag in a mug.
Used in a sentence: “I threw up in my mouth that time he tried to ‘t-bag’ me.”
- Rim Job
When someone’s tongue is rubbed around someone else’s butthole in a sad, circular pattern. (See also: Tossing Salad)
Used in a sentence: “I don’t change my own tires anymore, because it reminds me of the time I gave my ex a ‘rim job.'”
- Tossing Salad
Using your tongue to explore the anus of someone else. (See also: Rim Job)
Used in a sentence: I hate salad. I hate ‘tossing salad’ even more. Avoid them both and just eat carbs.
- Golden Shower
Peeing on someone. The end.
Used in a sentence: “He was drunk so he accidentally gave me a ‘golden shower.’ I was sober, so I dumped him.”
- Rusty Trombone
It’s a rim job mixed with a hand job. From here, you can do the math and figure out the visual.
Used in a sentence: “No trombone should ever be a rusty trombone.”
Ass-to-mouth. Putting a penis in a butthole and then immediately putting it in the butthole owner’s mouth. Projectile vomiting afterwards is optional but almost always necessary.
Used in a sentence: “The only money I got from that ‘ATM’ was a money shot.”
It’s a game. Man ejaculates in a lady’s mouth. Instead of hitting him or throwing up, as expected, she French kisses him. As she does, she passes the semen back into his mouth. This goes on until one of them swallows it, spits it out, or dies instantly from how gross this is.
Used in a sentence: “The thought of ‘snowballing’ makes me want to be abstinent forever.”
- Dirty Sanchez
The details of this are commonly argued over. The point is, a guy takes his finger or penis, and wipes fecal matter on a woman’s face because there’s no hope for the future.
Used in a sentence: “I don’t want to use ‘dirty Sanchez’ in a sentence because it’s too fucking gross.”
When a whole bunch of guys jerk off onto a woman. Think a shower with a whole bunch of nozzles, but instead of water, you get doused in man juice.
Used in a sentence: “My boyfriend and his friends asked if I wanted a ‘bukkake.’ I thought it was a type of Mediterranean dish. I was wrong.”
A guy receiving oral sex while he’s on the toilet taking a shit.
Used in a sentence: I will die before I ever give anyone a ‘blumpkin.'”
I am so, so sorry..
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