If you’re anything like me, you have a little trouble following the rules. Especially rules that don’t seem reasonable. Sure, maybe there should not be a video of you stripping on an elevated surface, but did that one tweet about your bomb ass weekend really need to be taken down? Eh, my guess is probably not.
Are you the type of girl who swears standards doesn’t even wait for you to fuck up anymore, that they just have your name on an automatic email list every week? Has your wine budget been severely impacted by the number of fines you have had to pay? Do you bring popcorn and a blanket with you to the library because binge watching the entire “Friends” series is the only way to get through all of the extra study hours you have to do? Fear not, my little party princess, I have the solution. Now I know I may seem like the least classy person alive, and that is a valid observation, but I feel like that makes me the most qualified person for the job. Follow my advice and not only will you be on good standing with standards, you might even be elected into exec.
- Always go commando.
You can’t have panty lines without panties.
- Be fucked up 24/7.
If you’re always drunk, you’re never drunk.
- Hire a fake boyfriend to act totally obsessed with you.
Obvi you have your life together when you’re in a #blessed relationship.
- Do Rush Boobs for a bottom tier fraternity.
Nothing says “classy” like a philanthropic heart.
- Do Rush Boobs for a top tier fraternity and tag yourself in the pictures.
To make sure a rival sorority doesn’t get credit for your ah-mazing set.
- Only hook up in public places with an audience.
No one can make up rumors about you going ~all the way~ when everyone saw you keep it to a handy.
- Directly attack that bitch you hate instead of subtweeting her.
Passive aggression is catty, and you’re above that.
- Refuse to drink beer. Ever.
Only uncultured swine ingest carbs.
- Post all of your fights on social media.
This is the easiest way to prove you’re totally not the psycho one.
- Black out every single night.
If you can’t remember your sins, they practically never happened.
- Only sleep with boys who are already in long-term relationships.
You’re too smart to get involved with a fuckboy who is “scared to commit.”
- Refuse to give blow jobs.
You’re just not that type of girl.
- If you have blonde hair, change it.
You know who has blonde hair? Me and Taylor Swift. You REALLY don’t want to associate yourself with either of us.
- Rat out your sisters to standards.
You get freebie points for that, right?
- Run for president.
Fight the system from the inside. #PowerToThePartiers
- Create an alter ego to blame all of your indiscretions on.
Lindsay Lohan would have been totally fine if she kept up the double life she started in The Parent Trap.
- Wear Lily every day.
Is that a wine stain or just part of the obnoxious pattern? Literally no one knows.
- Paint the soles of your heels red.
If you can paint a cooler, you can paint a shoe.
Now, I hate to the use the words “genius” or “miracle worker,” but you’re welcome..