If you didn’t grow up with brothers, there’s a chance that you missed out on a few very valuable lessons. How to throw a ball and chug a beer. That sometimes the “nice” guy isn’t so nice after all. And that most boys are and always will be disgusting. From their bathrooms to their bedrooms, everything is covered in short, coarse black hairs and a layer of sticky grime you don’t even want to think about. But grosser than their living conditions is their language. Sure, they hide it when they’re around girls and family, but when they’re tossing back drinks at guys night, they say things that should be illegal.
And so in the spirit of getting your boyfriend in trouble, I have found some of the grossest terms guys actually use when describing sex and sex acts. Read at your own risk, and get ready to take a boiling hot shower after this. Trust me, you’ll need it.
Slang for vagina or a cat. Both of which get angry when you refer to them as a “pussy.”
Used in a sentence: “He said he wanted my pussy. I said my cat wasn’t good traveling in the car.”
A grosser, shortened version of “pussy” that should literally never be used in any setting.
Used in a sentence: “My vagina instantly closed and refused entrance to him after he called it a puss.”
Ejaculating, okay? It means ejaculating.
Used in a sentence: “After giving him a blow job, I almost didn’t throw up, but then he called his semen splooge and I totally lost my lunch.”
The ass. Just the whole ass.
Used in a sentence: “Anyone who calls an ass a turdcutter will quite honestly never, ever experience buttstuff. Ever.”
Let’s just say it’s like bellybutton lint, but found in a place on guys that is definitely not the bellybutton.
Used in a sentence: “If a guy develops underbutter, tell him to shower immediately and remind him that he will, in fact, die alone.”
A vagina. A horribly painful word for vagina.
Used in a sentence: “He thought the term poon was endearing. I thought he was a psychopath.”
Something insecure guys with less-than-average-sized penises ask you to call them in bed.
Used in a sentence: “I’ll only call you daddy if you agree to give me a credit card, constant reassurance, and pay off my student loans.”
- Smacking Guts.
A delightful way gentlemen describe making love to a woman.
Used in a sentence: “He said the term smacking guts is from ‘The Notebook’ but I can’t seem to find the scene where Noah says that.”
- Cum Dumpster.
You know. A place, or person, in which he “dumps” his “cum” (gag).
Used in a sentence: “My mama always said, be a heart dumpster, not a cum dumpster.”
- Chocolate Starfish.
Yet another endearing term for someone’s anus.
Used in a sentence: “Nothing was more of a turn-off than when he asked if he could lick my chocolate starfish.”
- Slingin’ Yogurt.
I assume this means something involving semen and an unhappy girl, but I was too grossed out to dig further.
Used in a sentence: “I started dry-heaving when I saw the term slingin’ yogurt.”
- An Open-Faced Roast Beef Sandwich.
You know, because the vagina sort of looks like an open-faced roast beef sandwich.
Used in a sentence: “At first I was mad when he said my vagina looked like an open-faced roast beef sandwich, but then I went to Arby’s and I have to say — the resemblance is striking.”
- Balloon Knot.
A tight, virginal, never-been-penetrated butthole.
Used in a sentence: “He asked if we could do anal, I told him I’d have a balloon knot until the day I die.”
A horrible term guys use to say that that they’ve given up trying to find hot girls and are now going to settle for ugly ones.
Used in a sentence: “The guys who talk about scraping are the same ones who make you tell them that their four-inch penis is big.”
- Stuffin’ The Muffin.
Vaginal intercourse. You know, stuffing the penis into the vaginal muffin, just to break it down for you.
Used in (a) sentence(s): If you’re stuffin’ the muffin I want cream cheese. But like, actual cream cheese. In an actual muffin. This isn’t’ a metaphor for semen.
- Woman Taco.
This one is, very unfortunately, self-explanatory.
Used in a sentence: “No, you can not put your sour cream in my woman taco, but you can consider deleting my number and finding God.”
- Leather Cheerio.
The place you pretend you’ll let your boyfriend put it in one day.
Used in a sentence: “After buttstuff became popular, he kept asking if he could eat Cheerios out of my leather cheerio, so I have now officially given up on love.”
- Protein Pudding.
Guess. Just guess. I’ll give you a clue — it has to do with the penis.
Used in a sentence: “Protein pudding is the reason I’d be okay with dying alone.”
Brb, going to disinfect my entire body with acid..
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