One of the main reasons any of us have friends (besides consistent Instagram likes and you know, love and support during hard times) is so that we can get together, drink a box of wine, and try to one-up each other on our nastiest sex stories. “Oh yeah, Stacey? Your boyfriend gave you a money shot? Well my boyfriend asked me to pee on him once. WHEN he was sober.”
Telling each other dirty sex stories is half of the fun of having sex in the first place. But I assumed after anal and threesomes, everyone just accepted that we’re all the same level of gross and left it at that.
I was wrong. So wrong, in fact, that I’ve compiled some of the grossest sex acts to ever exist. I’m not sure if any real humans have tried them, but I’m praying to any and all deities that no one has. I’ve attempted to order them from “least repulsive” to “read at your own risk” but honestly? Just proceed with caution. And please know, I am so, so sorry.
Making l-o-v-e with an imaginary person or object.
Used in a sentence(s): Sometimes I get so lonely at night, I lock all eight of my cats out of my bedroom and Te’o with John Krasinski.
2. Ice Cream Paint Job
That song we all awkwardly grinded to in middle school with no idea of what it meant. Also, it means ejaculating inside of a lady, just to clear that up for all of the unknowing chaperones.
Used in a sentence(s): I would listen to Ice Cream Paint Job with my mom when she drove me to soccer practice after school. I had no idea it was *actually* about an Ice Cream Paint Job! I just thought I was learning about cars!
Butt sex, okay? It’s butt sex.
Used in a sentence(s): The fact that Buttsechs was so low on this list put in perspective just how gross other humans truly are.
It’s just like belly button lint, but it’s only found on guys and it’s not found in the belly button. See also: Underbutter.
Used in a sentence(s): I almost had sex with a guy, but then I saw how much Smegma he had and I put him on the black list forever.
When a guy is having sex with a woman, and instead of finishing on her or in her, he decides to just SEMEN IN HIS OWN MOUTH. You know, the rational decision as opposed to, I don’t know, his hand or a tissue?
Used in a sentence(s): I was totally shocked when my boyfriend pulled a Nate for the first time, but now I don’t have to worry about swallowing anymore — the only problem is, I can never kiss him ever again.
6. Kentucky Muzzleloader
IF, for some reason, you’re with a guy who chews tobacco, and IF, for some reason, he decided to chew it during sex, and IF, for some reason, he decided to spit out said tobacco on his dick and continue to have sex with you, this is what we’re dealing with.
Used in a sentence(s):I couldn’t believe he gave me a Kentucky Muzzleloader, but I shouldn’t be surprised because the fact that he dips sort of indicated what kind of trash I was dealing with.
7. The Spiderman
Nothing that involves a hot actor in spandex giving you a Hollywood kiss. Everything involving a guy secretly jizzing in his hand then throwing said hand toward a girl’s face, thus releasing the semen and her wrath.
Used in a sentence(s): I always thought hooking up with a superhero would be kind of hot. When my boyfriend gave me The Spiderman, I realized was wrong.
If you fall asleep in the snow, you might just get frostbite. If you fall asleep next to some horny guy who’s sure to be locked up for most of his adult life, and he decides to sperm all over your face, and when you wake up it’s dried and crusty, you might just get Frostface. He might also get a restraining order.
Used in a sentence(s): My boyfriend wanted to have sex but I fell asleep, so he gave me Frostface. He’s now my ex-boyfriend, and I think he’s getting released sometime in 2025.
9. Arabian Goggles
When a psychotic man thinks that placing his testicles over a woman’s eyes while she gives him the gift of oral is an acceptable thing to do.
Used in a sentence(s): “I thought giving him a blow job was torture enough, but then he gave me Arabian Goggles, so I gave up on love.”
10. Arabian Death Mask
Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse than the Arabian Goggles, the Arabian Death Mask exists. In this move, the guy places his balls over some poor female’s eyes, but instead of putting his penis by her mouth, he puts his asshole. She has to lick his asshole while she’s no longer able to see thanks to his testicles. And you thought romance was dead?
Used in a sentence(s): My boyfriend assured me that Jack gives Rose an Arabian Death Mask during the car scene of “Titanic,” but that must be a deleted scene because I’ve never seen that part.
11. The Abe Lincoln
When a male shaves his public region, but instead of disposing the hair like a normal fucking person, he saves in it a little bag. Then, when he’s lucky enough to be getting it on with a woman, he ejaculates on her face. Guess what he does with the hair? Can you guess? You got it? Good. Because, fuuuuuuck that.
Used in a sentence(s): Abe Lincoln doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would approve of The Abe Lincoln.
12. Ape Wellington
Okay, this one is a doozie. Basically, after a guy orgasms inside of a female, he shoves as many bananas as possible inside of her. Why? Idk. Are they peeled? I’m assuming so. But wait, it gets worse. Then, he takes a spoon, and scoops out some of the banana semen mixture (don’t throw up yet, stay strong). He offers it to her but obviously, she screams, tells him to fuck off, and leaves. He then eats the spoonful, grabs his briefcase (apparently this is an important part of the situation. He has to have a briefcase), and leaves, never to be heard from again.
Used in a sentence(s): There’s a 0% chance that anyone in the human race has ever actually done the Ape Wellington.
13. Alaska Pipeline
I don’t even want to tell you this one. Just, imagine someone goes number two, but instead of flushing it, spraying tons of Febreze, and praying that the toilet doesn’t clog, they freeze it. Instead of putting their penis inside of their partner later, they put the frozen, uh, you know.
Used in a sentence(s): Pretty sure my hillbilly cousins do the Alaska Pipeline since Amazon Prime doesn’t ship to their area and they can’t get dildos like the rest of us. Sad!
14. Space Docking
There’s no way to sugarcoat this. This time the shit just goes directly into the vagina.
Used in a sentence(s): When my boyfriend suggested Space Docking, I thought it would be something romantic involving gazing at stars. I was wrong, he’s no longer my boyfriend, and now I have a yeast infection.
15. Flaming Dragon
A man semens in a woman’s mouth. The man lightly hits the woman on the back of the head while his sperms are still swimming around in her mouth. The woman shoots the sperms out of her nose like one would shoot milk out of their nose. The man is then murdered and the woman is free to go.
Used in a sentence(s): I had the rage of a dragon, your honor, the second he gave me a Flaming Dragon. I can’t be held responsible for what happened next.
16. Alaskan Firedragon
Considering this is another species of dragon, you can correctly assume that it’s the same concept. This time, however, instead of just ejaculating into the poor woman’s mouth, the guy whispers something horrible to her right as he comes, like “I have genital warts,” or “why are you hooking up with me since I’m obviously deranged?” He then holds her head down so that, yet again, the sperms swim out of her nose and he goes on to die a horribly painful death.
Used in a sentence(s): I thought the Alaskan Firedragon was from “Harry Potter.” When I tweeted at J.K. Rowling asking about it, she blocked me.
17. 2 Girls 1 Cup
Ten years ago (feel old?), the grossest video to ever be created went viral on the internet. If you don’t know what it is, it’s two girls, one cup, and a whole lot of body excrement. Not for the fainthearted, easily-nauseated, or anyone else who doesn’t have a sick fetish for vomit and shit.
Used in a sentence(s): Awww — remember when we were young and all watched 2 Girls 1 Cup and were immediately scarred for life?
18. Vanilla Sex in a Monogamous Relationship
Used in a sentence(s): I’m starting to wonder if Vanilla Sex in a Monogamous Relationship is weird, and running around shitting on each other is normal?
Call me old-fashioned, but I want a relationship where we keep our shit in the toilet and our genitals away from each other’s eyes. Is that too much to ask?.
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