It doesn’t matter if you were the dumper or the dumpee, breaking up with someone is hard. But do you know what’s even harder? Letting your ex know that you’re totally and completely over him. It’s a necessary part of every breakup that the girl must initiate. If you don’t subtlely let him know that you’re moving on, how is he supposed to know it’s okay for him to move on (as long as she’s less attractive than you)? Sure, when you and that jerk Adam broke up and he said “Look, I just want to have fun, and we were never even officially together anyway,” one might assume that your response of “FINE! GO AHEAD AND FUCK ONE OF YOUR WHORES, ADAM, I DON’T EVEN CARE” generally gets the message across that you’re over it. On the contrary, Adam actually read your mind and fully understood that you don’t want him to fuck one of his whores until your broken heart has mended. Men are so considerate, aren’t they?
Case in point, guys need some form of confirmation that you’re over them, and the best way to do that is through Instagram captions. Why Instagram captions? Because he blocked your number after you called him and left 17 voicemails when you were “drunk.” These seventeen Instagram captions are the only way for Adam to know that you’re really, actually, totally over him.
- “Fun night with the girls!! Who needs guys when I have this amazing group of girls to surround myself with?! #GirlsNight Out #shotsshotsshots”
- *Instagrams a picture of your dad, brother, or male dog* “The only guy I need in my life <3”
- “Done with fuckboys, I need a real man! Or at least someone who doesn’t check out my best friends when I’m not looking and then fucking LIE about it when I confront him.”
- “Everything happens for a reason, and I know my recent breakup with a certain guy just means that there’s someone out there even better. Someone who doesn’t, oh, I don’t know, wet the bed when he’s drunk.”
- “Sing like no one is listening. Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt by a guy who wasn’t even that great in bed.”
- “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. In my case, one of those frogs will tell you that he’ll never hurt you and that you’re different than all the other girls he’s met but will inevitably dump you in a Denny’s parking lot. LOL can’t wait to find my prince!!”
- “Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve, and I deserve someone who doesn’t fucking text other whores while I’m still naked in his bed.”
- “So excited to take this time to focus on myself and not on a 22-year-old man-child with intimacy issues!”
- “I don’t need a guy to make me happy. Especially not a guy who Snapchats other hot girls and think it’s “fine” because it’s his “cousin.”
- “There are plenty of fish in the sea who aren’t afraid of commitment and actually know where the clit is.”
- “A relationship will never work unless there’s trust. Or if his name is Adam Matthews.”
- “Moving on to bigger and better things! Like, literally because Adam’s dick was so small. It was like having sex with a ghost.”
- “I hope you have a lot of fucking fun, Adam. I know I will. I’ll have more fun than you. And I’ll have sex with hotter people than you.”
- “You’re gonna fuck that whore from Instagram, aren’t you? You told me she wasn’t even that hot and that her face is disproportionate.
- “You know what, ADAM? I’m glad you dumped me because it helped me realize that I’m too good for you. I am a goddess and you are a slimy rat!”
- “As much as I hate you, Adam. I know that what we had was real and I know you’re going to regret breaking up with me.”
- “Adam you and I both know we’ve had our fights but if you ever want to talk, I’m here. I’m also conveniently at your house right now, so if you feel like talking now, just look outside your second story bedroom window. I climbed a tree and risked my life because you deserve more than someone who’s just gonna walk up to the front door. Adam? Why is your car running? Adam? Call me!”
Message. Recieved. .