16 Thoughts Jennifer Aniston Definitely Had On Brangelina Tying The Knot

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Well, it finally happened. Brangelina tied the knot this past weekend. After nine years, six kids, and one betrayal of America’s most beloved sweetheart, the two finally decided they couldn’t do any better than each other and made the ultimate commitment. (I’m sure there was no prenup.) I mean, congratulations or whatever, but if you think I’m not still #TeamJen in all of this, you couldn’t be more wrong.

When I heard the news, I couldn’t help but wonder what Jen herself thought of everything. Here’s a list of the 16 thoughts that (probably) went through her mind this morning when her Brad Pitt Google Alert went off.

  • You mean they weren’t already married? Oh, right. That was me.
  • It didn’t take him nine years to marry me.
  • And I didn’t have to trap him into caring for six kids to do it, either.
  • I’m so glad I didn’t birth three babies with him.
  • My vagina is so glad I didn’t birth three babies with him.
  • I bet my vagina looks better than hers.
  • I’m aging so much better than both of them.
  • I guess they had to do SOMETHING to stay relevant, though.
  • I’m so glad my wedding isn’t going to be a publicity stunt.
  • Oh, that’s right, Angelina. I’m getting married, too–remember?
  • And my fiancé isn’t literally falling apart.
  • In fact, he’s pretty hot.
  • Actually, he’s INSANELY hot.
  • Maybe hotter than 1999 Brad Pitt.
  • Well, let’s not stretch it here. But the point is, I got them at their prime, and you have my leftovers. Enjoy!
  • I’m bored already. Have fun with the downgraded version of my old life, Angie. I’ll be busy being smoking hot while chilling with my smoking hot fiancé in my mansion that “Friends” bought me. Is it time for wine yet?

[via Elite Daily]

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at

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