There are a few really great things about weddings. Once you get over the crippling fear that you just might be alone forever, you appreciate some of the awesome aspects of it. The food. The dresses. The possibility of
having hazy, awkward sex falling in love with one of the groomsmen. But if we’re being really, really honest, the best part of the wedding isn’t the crab cakes, the backless dress that you totally weren’t supposed to wear because it’s “too slutty,” or the cute(ish) guy who hit on you the second you stumbled in.
It’s the open bar.
One Californian couple, however, decided to do their open bar a little differently. Instead of pineapple vodkas they wanted to do Pineapple Express. According to USA Today John Elledge and Whitney Alexander wanted to do something different with their wedding. So they decided to pack up, head to an Oregon Christmas tree farm (because where else are you going to go?) to tie the knot, and light up.
It’s legal to have eight ounces of weed on you in Oregon, but illegal to serve both Mary Jane AND booze, so the couple had to make a choice. And since John considers himself a “professional marijuana grower” and Whitney most likely called the shots on everything else, they decided to have an open weed bar instead of an alcohol bar. They hired a “budtender” to serve 13 different varieties of weed to guests. I can’t say 100 percent what happened there because it seems my invite was lost in the mail, but I have a feeling that it was a very strange wedding.
- The groom couldn’t say his vows because he had cotton mouth.
- But it’s okay, because he was making such intense eye contact with the bride, she knew what he wanted to say.
- The precession started 20 minutes late because the wedding party was distracted by some interesting lighting fixtures.
- And the father of the bride was found sitting on the floor of the coatroom, talking to the best man about that time at Woodstock (which he didn’t actually attend).
- No one (and I mean no one) felt self conscious about their dancing.
- If that’s what you can call their swaying, slow moving, gyrations.
- And those who weren’t dancing were busy staring at the Christmas trees and questioning what, exactly, life would be like with pine needles as skin.
- The best man laughed throughout his entire speech.
- But no one really even noticed because they were too busy “feeling the vibes in the room.”
- The maid of honor sobbed during hers, because honestly, even weed couldn’t stop her from ugly crying.
- “Dark Side of the Moon” was requested more times than should ever be requested at a wedding.
- The bride was found in the kitchen, eating the cake with her hands and declaring that “no one will notice.”
- There was absolutely no food leftover for the bride and groom to take home.
- And that one kooky aunt decided to order a whole bunch of pepperoni pineapple pizzas because, necessary.
- Everyone left by 7 p.m.
- And the bride and groom ended their night by watching infomercials in their hotel suit and completely forgetting that they were supposed to take off their ceremony clothes, let alone screw each other.
According to every piece of news on this weeding, I’m sorry, I mean wedding, the event was a total hit (pun fully intended). So whether you’re a fan of the green or not, you have to admit, they might be on to something. So long getting wasted and going to bed with a random, hello eating everything in sight and pondering the meaning of life with all of the people you secretly hate. Whatever. At least you know that the food will taste fab..
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