16 New Year’s Goals, Not Resolutions, For 2016

New Year's Eve

In 2015, I didn’t do any of the things I was supposed to do. I didn’t delete his number, even though I definitely should have and my emergency fund is woefully low after I hit the Black Friday sales hard. But 2016? 2016 is different.

1.) Get To Know Yourself – Intimately
You expect a guy to know his way around down there, but you’ve never taken the time to explore the area yourself? Come on now. Any woman that wants good sex has taken the time to see the sights of her nether regions. Whether you angle a hand mirror down there or take a selfie stick with you to gyno, check it out. It will be much easier to give your fuck buddy proper directions when you know the terrain.

2.) Find Your Best Angle
You know the old saying that the camera adds ten pounds? Well, the right angle removes twenty. But the best angle for a pic differs from girl to girl, so grab a friend and experiment until you find yours. Of course, this now means that one girl is now responsible for taking every single photo of you, but she’s probably cool with it as long as you return the favor.

3.) Start Giving A Shit
It’s like not giving a fuck, but the opposite, and with better results. If someone pisses you off, tell them. And then you won’t have a passive aggressive battle to see who will throw out the trash first.

4.) Purge
Not just your closet, although starting 2016 with a freshly organized wardrobe can definitely be part of a kick-ass start to the year. But more importantly, purge people from your life that aren’t good for you. That friend that makes you feel like crap 90% of the time? Peace. That guy that only calls you when he wants to get laid (and you aren’t cool with that)? Nice knowing you. The start of a new year is a time for new beginnings, and getting rid of people that hold you back is a huge part of that.

5.) Learn How To Cook One Signature Dish
I’ll be honest: cooking is NOT my thing. I’m an excellent baker — my cookies are legendary — but I am total crap when it comes to an actual meal. So this year, my goal is to pick one meal that I love to get when I eat out (Fettuccini Alfredo? Teriyaki Chicken? Eggrolls? The possibilities are endless!) and master making it at home. At the very least, I’ll save a few bucks dining out; at most, I can host a fabulous dinner party showcasing my newfound cooking skills.

6.) Bitch Just A Little Bit Less
Ok, we all grumble about this and that, and frankly it’s a good release of stress and tension. But at the end of the day, most of us have it pretty good, and it’s time to stop the (incessant) whining. So maybe just dial back the complaining a little bit in 2016. Even a teeny tiny bit will do wonders for your outlook.

7.) Say “No” Less
No is the reflexive response to things we are scared of. Maybe we are scared of making a mistake. Maybe we are scared of doing things outside of our comfort zone. Maybe we are scared of rejection. Not to be cliché, but we all know that the best things come when we are willing to go “there.” So stop saying no and just do it already. What the hell are you waiting for?

8.) Say “No” More
What? Didn’t I just say…? Yeah, I did. But as much as you need to stop saying no to things that scare you, you also need to start saying no to the things you simply don’t want to do, but are afraid to decline. You don’t have an interest in dropping $250 bucks to see Taylor Swift with your #squad? Opt out. You have class at 8am, but your big wants you to pick her up at the airport at 2am? Suggest that she take an Uber. Your boyfriend realllllllllllllllly wants to try #buttstuff and it’s just not your thing? Get a new boyfriend. Just kidding — but tell him no. Accept that sometimes it’s okay to say no, even to people that you love. If they don’t accept that you aren’t a doormat, ask yourself exactly how much they love you back.

9.) Stop Being Fine.
Fine is the most contradictory word in the English language. It’s the word we use when we are anything but actually “fine.” We use it when our boyfriends do things that piss us off, but we don’t want to make it a big deal. We use it when a friend hurts our feelings, but we don’t want to let it show. We use it any time something or someone offends us, but we are afraid to say something. We all have a right to our feelings, and it’s about time we stopped saying we’re fine when we’re not. Saying how you feel isn’t crazy. It’s standing up for yourself.

10.) Take At Least One “Destination Unknown” Road Trip
At least once this coming year, hop in the car with your friends with a change of clothes (and a credit card) and just drive. Don’t even open up Google maps and end up somewhere unexpected. Maybe you’ll find a charming little town with some local shopping and cute bars or wind up in the middle of nowhere in a motel room with your ladies and a 30-pack. It may be cliché, but it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.

11.) Prepare To Vote
2016 is a presidential election year. For many of you, it may be the first time you get to vote in a presidential election. This is going to sound cheesy, but voting is a privilege and a serious responsibility, particularly when it comes to issues that affect women. So don’t only register to vote, educate yourself about the issues and the candidates (and that doesn’t mean listening to the crazy people on Twitter).

12.) Quit Something Old
Confession: I hate yoga. HATE it. I know it’s supposed to be good for my muscles and my mind and all that crap, but I literally just cannot stand it. So I quit. Just stopped going cold-turkey and let my class-pass expire, unused. What I’ve discovered is that, even if something is supposedly good for you, it’s fine to quit it.

13.) Try Something New
Okay, so I quit yoga, which left me with three free hours a week. Of course, I could have spent those hours on the couch with my BFF Netflix…but instead I decided to spend them trying something new. For me, that meant signing up with a trainer and learning how to lift weights, which I’ve found I enjoy infinitely more than mediating at yoga. For you, it could be anything – taking a glass blowing class, learning to skate, finally taking your nana up on the offer to teach you how to sew. Whatever it is, try at least one new thing in 2016…and if you hate it, quit.

14.) Change Only One Thing In Your Diet
I’m willing to bet that at least 67% of you are spending this week leading up to New Year’s stuffing your faces full of carbs and cheese before you start a diet on January 1 — a diet that we all know will be completely defunct by February 4th. So instead of a radical diet overhaul, how about you just quit one thing instead? Maybe soda? Or caffeine? Or even (gasp) pasta? Talk to your doctor (you know, an actual medical professional) and decide upon the one thing that you can let go of in 2016 that will make you feel better.

15.) Make A Bucket List For The Year
Resolutions are so passé and restrictive. Instead, make a list of all of the things you want to do before 12/31/16, listing out target months to make it seem more do-able, and get on it. Bang that hot guy in Kappa Sig by February, ace Chemistry in March, and get toned abs by June? You can do it!

16.) Be Brave, Be Bold, Be Amazing!
You, just as you are, are pretty awesome. Don’t let anything – or anyone – hold you back from making 2016 your bitch.

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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