“It’s been a great year! Thanks for being a part of it.” If I see this ONE more time on my Facebook feed, I may vomit. If I’m truthful, 2014 was a year of ups and downs for me, as I’m sure it was for most people. Up: I started writing for TSM, which has been an awesome experience. Down: I wasted most of my romantic energy on my “if only” guy. But, as my grandma always said, there’s always someone worse off than you. I mean, she usually said it about starving children in Africa while trying to get me to eat broccoli, but it still applies here.
While we covered some amazing news stories of generosity, kindness, and hope this year at TSM, we also reported on some pretty stupid people who did pretty stupid stuff. So, in an effort to make myself feel a bit better about my up-and-down 2014, I combed the TSM news archives for some people who had a worse year than you or I had:
1. Tinder Dudes
Online dating can be pretty hard for most of us, but guys seemed to have it particularly hard this year on Tinder. We ladies took our mocking to new heights, whether it was by sending his gross Tinder messages to his mother or drawing them with tiny penises. But then again, if you’re stupid enough to group text 32 Tinder matches at one time, you probably deserve to be ridiculed.
I’ve never been arrested and I managed to keep that streak going in 2014. Other people, however, were not so lucky. Some people were arrested for strange shit this year: having a five girlfriends, seven fiancées, and four wives; excessive texting; peeing on a cop; stealing a flamingo, a house mom’s door, or some makeup. And, of course, there’s poor Teresa Giudice, but she’ll probably be fine.
3. Baby Mamas
At this point in my life, having a baby is pretty much my worst nightmare, so I’m thankful I haven’t had any accidental pregnancies. There is a woman out there, though, who gave birth to twins without knowing she was pregnant, and another woman got knocked up by a midget stripper during her bachelorette party. Baby free is the way to be.
4. People Getting Dumped
Getting dumped sucks. Given that I didn’t have a relationship in 2014, I managed to avoid that particular shitshow, but for the guy who got dumped in a letter using 25 Taylor Swift songs or the girl who had her flaws laid out by her boyfriend of seven weeks, I imagine the year was slightly painful.
5. Desperate People
Nope, I didn’t have a boyfriend in 2014 (#singleforever) but at least I didn’t pretend to be deaf, call 911 to ask for sex, or fake my own death to find a partner. I do have some standards.
Another bonus that came with being single this year? No one cheated on me in 2014. But if someone had, I’d like to think that I’d be able to devise a revenge as sweet as some of these scorned women. I might have destroyed his room while he slept, put pictures all over Facebook, or showed up to the airport with my fellow girlfriends as a surprise. Supposedly, living well is the best revenge, but a little vengeance never hurt anyone, right?
7. Revenge Victims
Speaking of creative revenge, there were a few people who really pissed off someone this year who got theirs. I’m glad I’m not them, whether it’s Johnny Manziel or the bullies who got some special cupcakes. Maybe they’ll think twice before they screw someone over in 2015.
8. Fucked Up Families
My family has its fair share of dysfunction. Inevitably, someone gets wasted at the holiday dinner table and says something wildly inappropriate or offensive to someone else. However, I didn’t accidentally marry my brother, hook up with a random while flying with my parents , or text my dad a nude, so I figure I won’t put myself up for adoption quite yet.
9. The Injured
It’s probably slightly cruel to laugh at people who got injured, but when they do it by burning their privates on pizza, getting stuck in a giant vagina statue, or breaking a penis during sex, I can’t resist a giggle. Totally makes me feel better that the only time I hurt myself this year was when I fell down after too many Fireball shots.
10. The Entitled
I’m the first one to say that I am #blessed — I even have the shirt. However, there is a fine line between being blessed and being an entitled asshole, and I’m glad I didn’t cross it this year. The girl who sued her parents for tuition sure did, though, as did the guy who sued a casino because he lost, the girl who sued her boyfriend because she failed a class, and the assholes who registered for dorm stuff. I’m proud to be a grown-up who takes responsibility for herself…most of the time.
11. Bad Haircut Victims
Confession time: I had a horrible blunt bang incident in 2013. I went to my stylist seeking a cute Zooey Deschanel bang and came out with 1.5-inch bangs across my (now large-looking) forehead, which were subsequently pinned back from about June to October. Luckily, I escaped hair trauma in 2014, but North Koreans and one chick in New York were not so lucky.
12. Those Forced To Say Yes To Bad Proposals
Despite my lack of relationship in 2014, I, like most girls, continually dream of my engagement. While that shifts depending on the dude I’m putting in the proposer role, I can sure as hell tell you none of my fantasy proposals involve “Frozen” costumes, buckets of cold water, YouTube videos, or discount shopping. If that’s what’s out there, I think I’m better off marrying myself.
If there was anyone who deserved to have a bad 2014, it was these fuckers. Whether it was individuals, chapters, or even large corporations, public shaming only reiterated what we already knew: there was no room for racism in 2014.
14. The Stupid
Finally, there are just moronic people out there who make me wonder if it’s possible to have a negative IQ. Among them? The woman with three boobs, the woman who set her house on fire when she tried to kill a spider, the asshole who said frat guys deserve Ebola, and even the vice president’s son.
Don’t you feel a little better about how your 2014 went now? I know I do..