After five minutes of being pumped about the iPhone 5 Color extraordinaire, it’s finally time to see what’s in store for us, and a few hundred of our parents’ hard-earned dollars. Today, we will finally got to see what Apple has been up to, as the iPhone 6 was revealed.
It’s not that a new iPhone isn’t exciting, but I just feel like the best part about this is that I can get rid of my old iPhone. My screen is currently so shattered that I live in fear of shards of broken glass becoming lodged in my social media stalking fingers. And even though my battery life says 39%, I know that it could actually die at any second, which is the reason I can’t trust anyone or anything, ever. Thanks, iPhone 5. It’s been a mediocre dream come true.
But, it’s time to move over for the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 plus. Which, offers us many fantastic new features. It will have a 5.5 inch long screen (hello average size of the male genitals), but it will also be thinner. The device will be up to 84 times faster than our iPhones now. Which, honestly, shouldn’t be that hard based on the speed they go now. The best part, though, is that the screen focuses fast so our shaky drunk hands can still take pretty good pictures. Thanks for that, Apple.
But, before the new gizmo is released and sends us all into a tailspin, I’d like to send a few more requested features to Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook about what sorority girls are looking for in the next iPhone. Because, let’s be real, we’re going to be the first ones to get them, anyway.
- Siri needs to not only tell me how to get to a location, but also reassure me that my sort-of boyfriend is totally into me, that I’m way prettier than that girl and that no, my ass does not look fat in these pants.
- Siri must also be able to have access to people’s private social media pages, making her the ultimate best friend in stalking.
- A hidden flask should be built into the phone. Only sorority girls and non-standards chair members will know about this.
- The phone needs to know when you’re drunk, and not let you send those cringe-worthy drunk texts that have wayyyyyyyy too many letters in them.
- A vintage Easy-Bake Oven should also be included in the iPhone 6. It produces delicious, adorable, bite-sized cookies in your time of need. They will just so happen to be fat free, calorie free, and regret free.
- A secret, discrete, mini vibrator for emergencies.
- An unlimited Starbucks card preloaded, just waiting to provide you with endless Pumpkin Spiced Lattes.
- A battery that doesn’t die mid-stalking session, during a drive when you actually need directions, or while you’re out at a bar texting your FWB about how you “can’t wait to see him…naked.”
- Or just like, a battery that doesn’t die. Ever.
- The phone MUST be waterproof, wine proof, “accidentally got thrown into the pool” proof, “fell in the toilet” proof and capable of handling and understanding our lifestyle like our parents can’t.
- We need a camera that takes perfect selfies every single time. Even when we’re hungover. And don’t have make up on.
- The camera must also make us look ten pounds lighter and make our hair four inches longer.
Get on it Apple. No pressure, but I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs could make all of this happen for us. Good luck, and see you on September 19th, iPhone 6!