Fuck Beauty and the Beast. THIS is a tale as old as time. A guy you like-but-eh-not-really-that-much texts you saying “what’s up,” you say “not much,” and he hits you with this one: “Awesome, let’s hang out tonight.” You: *screams internally*. For whatever reason, you don’t want to hang out with this guy (hey, it’s your right). We’ve all tried the usual excuses, “I have a paper I forgot about,” “My friend just got dumped,” etc. Tired clichés, all of them! While yes, I have absolutely used all of these, I’ve recently moved on to bigger and more ridiculous excuses. The bigger the lie, the easier it is to believe. At least to dudes. Apparently. So far no one has called me out on my bullshit, so it’s safe to say it’s working out pretty well so far.
Keep in mind, that there’s nothing wrong with being straight up with a guy about not wanting to hang out with him. After all, this is written by the same girl who once uninvited a boy to a date party and answered his inevitable “Why?” with “Because fuck you, that’s why.” But where’s the fun in that? This isn’t lying, it’s bullshitting creatively, and it’s good for the mind. Behold: the most absurd things I have said to boys to avoid hanging out with them – that they’ve believed.
- My grandpa had a stroke. I used this three times on one guy. The second time I forgot that I’d already used it, so I rolled with it and went on to say how dangerous multiple strokes can be. The third time I said my grandpa died from it. Yes, I am going to hell.
- I had a horrible allergic reaction to my spray tan.
- I’m going to an intervention for my friend. When he asked what the addiction was, I said “Real Housewives.” He bought it.
- This guy wanted to get drinks at 8, and I wanted to back out stat. So I said I got a last-minute interview with the Hong Kong branch of a company I wanted to work for…because I looked at my world clock and picked the city that would place my “interview” squarely at 8 our time.
- I’m going on an authentic Native American vision quest for extra credit in my Anthropology class.
- I was stuck in an elevator and had no service.
- I was meditating, and your text interrupted my Chi, and now I need to delve back into my aura for another few hours, so no, I cannot hang out now. Sorry.
- My beloved beta fish Derek died and I need to work on his four-part eulogy.
- I got invited to a last minute mountain weekend trip and I just couldn’t say no since I need to reconnect with my inner survivalist.
- I was locked in my sorority basement for ritual. No, I can’t tell you about it.
- I had to get a vaccine for study abroad and passed out while getting the injection. Just woke up.
- My brow lady screwed up and I cannot emerge into the public eye right now. I’m sure you understand.
If these don’t work, say you just woke up and your phone’s been dead, like I’m soooooo sorry we can totally maybe make it up sometime!.