Columns

11 Spooky Sex Moves You’d Be Stupid Not To Try This Halloween

11 Spooky Sex Moves You'd Be Stupid Not To Try This Halloween

Something magical happens at the end of October. The weather is finally cool enough where we can pack away our tight-fitting clothes and short ass shorts, and pull out the oversized sweaters and carbs. We get the chance to break our Instagram records as we rake in the likes with our over-the-top costumes. And for one sacred night, the demented crazies get to walk the Earth unchecked.

That’s us. We’re the crazies.

And if you’re looking for a way to really spice things up and let your freak flag fly, here are a few tried and true moves that will really heat things up with your special (or not-so-special) someone this fall. Because if there’s one time to show our potential SOs who we really are, it’s on the drunkest, wildest, most soul-crushing day of the year.

1. The Witches Brew

• Invite him over and brew up a “potion.”
• By “potion” I mean vodka and Crystal Light.
• Drink it all before he arrives.
• Turn into a monster.
• Drunkenly cry about the fact that he won’t introduce you to his mom even though MOMS ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

2. I Put A Spell On You

• Dress up like a skanky witch.
• Seductively tell him that you’re going to put a spell on him.
• Go to a Wiccan market and talk to some old lady about spells.
• Steal some of his hair, get his blood, and create a shrine to him.
• Try to act surprised when he files a restraining order on you.
• ?
• ??
• ???
• The spell works and he falls in love with you thus lifting the restraining order and living happily ever after.

3. The Costume Contest

• Tell him you planned the perfect costume with him in mind.
• Dress like a slutty girl eager to ruin lives.
• When he asks what you’re dressed as, tell him the name of the girl he’s been flirting with on Instagram.
• Have a long discussion about boundaries, respect, and social media etiquette.

4. The Exorcist

• Tell him you’re in the mood to be bad.
• Drink tequila.
• Projectile vomit when he tries to crawl into bed with you.

5. Trick Or Treat

• Randomly go to his place unannounced.
• Knock on the door and yell “trick or treat.”
• When he says he doesn’t have any candy, tell him that you’ll have to give him a trick.
• Demand he hands you his phone and go through his text messages.

6. The Haunted House

• Tell him you think your house is haunted.
• Invite him to come over and protect you.
• The moment he arrives, he’ll hear the awkward sounds of your annoying roommate having loud sex with her gross boyfriend.
• Insist that the moaning is from an obnoxious demon which is, you know, sort of true.
• Spend the evening complaining about how rude she is and hinting that maybe you should just move into his place.
• Wake up to an empty bed.

7. What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie

• Invite him over for a scary movie marathon.
• Show films like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Gone Girl, and The Girl on the Train.
• Each time a girl does something crazy, look over at him and smile, casually reminding him just how good he has it.

8. The Hostage

• Tell him you want to play a kinky game.
• When he arrives, show him a pair of handcuffs.
• Blindfold the SOB.
• Take him into your closet and chain him up.
• Keep him there until he develops Stockholm Syndrome.

9. The Forever Love

• Inflict pain on him by watching Twilight together.
• Ask him if he’ll love you forever like Edward loves Bella.
• Gauge whether or not he really means it.
• If you think he won’t, in fact, love you forever, try tip #8.

10. “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me”

• Follow a cute guy on social media.
• Like all of his posts.
• Search his Facebook back to 2007.
• Stalk his ex-girlfriend.
• Decide that you hate her. Of course you hate her.
• Find his address on Zillow.
• Casually drive by once.
• Casually drive by once a week.
• Casually drive by daily.
• Follow him for the next 50 years, always keeping track of his comings and goings.
• Die alone, but with a feeling of accomplishment at having successfully stalked someone for most of your adult life.

11. The Ghost Story

• Stumble across the perfect person in a totally random, meet-cute way.
• Talk to each other for an absurd amount of time.
• Hook up and act like it’s nbd.
• Basically, date without putting a label on it.
• Do this for months while being a cool girl.
• Text him one day asking to hang out.
• Don’t get a response for a few minutes.
• Then a few hours.
• Then a few days.
• Then a few years.
• Never hear from him again. The end.

Gosh, don’t you just love this spookily sexy time of the year?!

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

2 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More