10 Ways To Guarantee You’ll Be A Left Swipe

10 Ways To Guarantee You'll Be A Left Swipe

As someone who uses Tinder for an average of 30 minutes per week, according to the stats on my iPhone, I feel that I am extremely qualified to create a list of sure-fire ways to make a girl swipe left on your tinder profile. If you don’t use Tinder and you’re wondering what it is, you should probably stop reading this article and just go out and find yourself a life. I’m not going to explain what Tinder is to you. So anyways, here’s a list of all the reasons that 97% of men are left-swipes:

1. Pictures of you holding a gun or a fish. Frankly, no one cares if you enjoy doing these things. Most women like animals and we aren’t too excited by the fact that you enjoy murdering them, and anyone with two arms and a fishing pole can catch a fish, so stop thinking it makes you cool to do so. Left swipe.

2. Pictures of Pokemon or other anime things. No one cares which anime character you think embodies your spirit or whatever the hell it is that makes that character so special to you. I’m on Tinder so that I can judge you based on your face and your little description of yourself, so don’t waste my time with pictures of cartoon characters. Red X button.

3. Having something in your description along the lines of “I’m actually [age].” If you’re so incompetent that you can’t even put your correct date of birth on your Facebook profile, you don’t deserve to have a Tinder account. Or a Facebook profile. Or a driver’s license or any other form of responsibility. LEFT.

4. Pictures of your car. I don’t care about your shitty American-made car, and if you actually have a nice car, I’m just going to think that you’re a pretentious asshole for posting it on Tinder, of all places. Cars go in your garage, not on your Tinder profile. Inanimate objects, GTFO.

5. Selfies of you sitting in your car. If you have a selfie of you sitting in your car, I immediately assume that you’re a psychopath/murderer. Unless you actually are a complete psycho, in which case I appreciate the warning. LEFT SWIPE.

6. Gym selfies. If you are so utterly impressed with yourself that you feel the need to take selfies at the gym, I’m going to swipe left on you. Clearly your priorities are in the wrong place. Red X.

7. Having fewer than four pictures. If you don’t have at least four pictures for your Tinder profile, I’m going to assume that it’s because you’re really ugly, and the one to three pictures that you chose for your profile were just miracles. Or, maybe you just don’t have any pictures on Facebook to choose from because you don’t have any friends to take pictures of you, and that’s also a bad sign. Either way, your profile will be swiped left into the trash pile.

8. Pictures with lots of other people. If I have to sift through more than 3 faces in a picture to figure out which person you are, I’m just not going to do it. There’s no way that could ever be worth my time. If you have 1 of these pictures and the rest of your pictures allow me to clearly identify you, then that’s fine, but otherwise please use photos that allow me to judge you easily.

9. Pictures of just your pet. I love animals, but this is Tinder. I’m not going to have a conversation with your dog, so don’t pretend like he’s a part of the deal. I would have to go to your house to see your dog and that’s never going to happen, so just keep it to pictures of yourself, please.

10. Mirror selfies with no shirt and extremely low-hanging pants, or overly-revealing pictures of your body. These pictures are especially weird because in order for a picture to be on your Tinder profile, it also has to be on your Facebook profile. If you are posting aggressively sexual pictures of yourself on Facebook, you’re probably a freak. Rejected.

If you found yourself feeling really defensive while reading this article, you’re definitely a left-swipe. Better luck next time.

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