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10 Things You Need To Survive Your Walk of Shame

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Oops, you did it again. And now, you have to get home with your halter top and your integrity intact. Having a vodka-induced sleepover — complete with adult activities — is not always a bad thing, but your bangs sticking out at a 90 degree angle is nothing short of an actual tragedy.

So think ahead! If your evening out might end with some NSFW night moves at an apartment covered in Old Spice and crusty socks, make sure to toss these necessities into your bag:

  1. A phone charger. Look, it’s rare that you would leave home without it anyway, but in a WOS (Walk Of Shame, duh) scenario, it’s crucial. How are you going to group text everyone you know with a stream of emergency emoji that they need to meet you for brunch to discuss last night’s sexcapade if your phone is dead?
  2. Huge sunglasses. No, bigger than that. Look for ones that resemble a welder’s mask — and grab ‘em.
  3. Snacks. Actually, this has nothing to do with taking a walk of shame. Just always have snacks. Always.
  4. Your keys. Getting locked out while still dressed in last night’s ferosh crop top will make you want to end your life. Seriously: think about the conversation you’re going to have to have with the locksmith when he shows up and try not to cry.
  5. Eye makeup remover. Scientists have developed waterproof mascara, but they have yet to deliver on sex proof mascara. You don’t want people to be looking at you and being like, “Maybe she’s born with it…don’t stare.”
  6. A t-shirt. Throw it on over your dress, and technically, you could be coming from yoga class. They don’t know.
  7. A plan. Before you crawl out of his bed, and into the glaring light of day, think about how you’re going to get home. If you need to check for shuttle bus times, do it. If you need to call a cab, do it. And if you need to borrow $20 from the wallet of the guy you just did the under-the-sheets merengue with, do it. And run.
  8. More snacks.
  9. Advil. You know, so you don’t stab anyone on your way home.
  10. Your underwear. Seriously. Hanky Pankys do not grow on trees.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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