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10 Things That Are Way Fucking Better Than Having A Boyfriend

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1. Wine
It’s just like, when the two of you met, you just clicked, you know? And does anybody really get you the way wine gets you? Through thick and thin, wine has been there, and when you’re together, wine makes you literally forget your problems. Sure, wine can be a real dick in the morning and definitely doesn’t like you hanging out with other alcohol, but in the end, wine is going to be the one thing that will stick by your side–even in old age.

2. Gifs Of Taylor Swift Dancing
We all know that going out and getting all dolled up for a night at the club with your man of the moment can make you feel like a sexy, confident queen of the dance floor, but is anything more confidence-inspiring than reminding yourself that you could become a multi-millionaire-popstar-style-icon without any of those skills? You actually do not have to know how to dance at all to have your own music video. That is some empowering shit.

3. Netflix
The benefits of having Netflix as a bae are clear. Netflix knows you. It knows what you like, but it can also get spontaneous and introduce you to new things. All of your friends like Netflix. Shit, even your mom and dad like Netflix! The only downside is that Netflix is so universally beloved that sometimes, you have to share it with everyone. No matter how much Netflix loves you in return, you just can’t stream in two places at once.

4. Modcloth
Sure, walking hand-in-hand with a real, live man can make you feel beautiful for now, but as a self-reliant woman, you need to look toward the future. Will you feel as confident six months from now when it’s cold and you don’t have a light blue vintage cardigan with anchors on the pocket? And yes, your boyfriend makes you feel smart and interesting, but wouldn’t you be smarter and more interesting with little golden owl earrings? Just something to think about.

5. Basically Any Picture Of A Corgi
No matter how hard your partner works to satisfy you both sexually and emotionally, nothing is going to make you feel better than a picture of two baby Corgis sleeping in a crib with a baby human. There is just no amount of human connection that is going to top that.

6. The “Harry Potter” Series
Being in a relationship may make you feel safe, but how safe can a girl feel until she knows how the war against Lord Voldemort is going to pan out? Would your man brave a maze full of magical obstacles far beyond his ability just to make sure the Sorcerer’s Stone doesn’t fall into the wrong hands? Would he battle a giant snake? Is some dude you “clicked” with at the bar going to save you from a werewolf, or win the Triwizard Tournament, or break into a government building to steal a magical prophecy? Can you really trust some Tinder dude to find seven hidden horcruxes or to sacrifice his life at the exact right moment so that the world as we know it will be saved from evil? No. You can’t.

7. Lipstick
Lipstick has no expectations of you. You don’t have to text lipstick when you’ve decided to try another shade. You don’t have to tell your pink lipstick about the purple lipstick you were wearing earlier that same day. Lipstick won’t be offended if you decide to go a day, a week, or even a month without using it. People won’t judge you when they see you with a different lipstick every day. You don’t owe lipstick anything, but you also don’t have to worry about what your lipstick is up to, because it’s not going to get used by anybody else without your permission. It’s the perfect relationship.

8. Videos Of Michael Jordan Dunking A Basketball
There is just no way that any human you meet is going to be cooler or more exciting that Michael Jordan mid-dunk. It is not possible.

9. Breakfast Tacos
Your boyfriend might be great. He may be a really good boyfriend who everybody loves. But no matter how good he is, there is just no way that you’re going to be able to prove that he is the best boyfriend out there the way that breakfast tacos are, without question, the best breakfast available in the United States. So, the choice is yours. Do you want some middle-of-the-road boyfriend who loves you, or do you want to independently enjoy a delicious mixture of sausage, egg, and cheese all wrapped up in a flour tortilla? The choice is clear.

10. Selfies
How can you love somebody else if you don’t even love thy selfie?

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AliMo

I'm the funniest girl in the world.

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