As betches, we’ve discussed at length the merits of fraternities in teaching the male youth of our generation not to be pussies. We love fraternities, because they weed out the nice guys who will slobber all over us. They function as a way to neatly organize the swoon-worthy assholes into ranked groups of future bros who are fully equipped to provide vodka and slutty mixer themes at a moment’s notice.
However, like any potent drug or shopping addiction, everything is well and good in moderation. It is a well-known pet peeve of betches across the nation when a guy takes his frattiness too far and/or doesn’t understand when his reign has ended. This begs the question for all you self-proclaimed “bro kings” out there: how fratty is too fratty? Let us count the ways…
1. You irritatingly and irrationally insist on referring to fraternities as “fraternities,” instead of frats.
We get it loser, you think being in a frat is on par with an executive position in the CIA, and that shortening a word is somehow degrading the holy and majestic experience that is getting blackout drunk for four years and spanking your peers with a paddle. My favorite analogy: “Would you call your country a cunt?” No, asshole, I’d call you a cunt, though, for actually thinking that analogy makes any fucking sense.
2. You wear tank tops or lax pinnies at inappropriate times.
We get it. You work out and you’re a douchebag. No article of clothing will say that quite as well for you. This shit is acceptable at day parties and tailgates, but for fuck’s sake, put on a real t-shirt when you’re going to class or taking me to dinner.
3. You use the phrase “Yo, bro” excessively and to inappropriate audiences.
Listen, when you meet my dad he is not your bro. Try to remember that before you ask him, “Yo, bro, can you pass the ketchup?” The only people you’re allowed to speak to like the burnt out airheads that you live with are the burnt out airheads that you live with. So stop with the “Yo, bros” towards anyone who actually works for a living. They’ll think you’re weird.
4. You create a roofied jungle juice concoction at inappropriate times/at all.
While most girls don’t mind the occasional Xanax spiked ‘zeta special juice’ if it means a truly superb Blackout Wednesday, try to steer clear of hiding the fact that your mixture is roofied, and definitely do not use this as an excuse to sexually coerce anyone. We’re here for the free alcohol. The sexual assault on the side is something we could do without.
5. You continue to reference your fraternity long after college, or in an effort to impress anyone.
Once you put on that graduation cap and gown, no one gives a shit what house you were in, so stop telling random girls at bars how you and your frat bros used to kill it at homecoming. No one gives a fuck. All it tells us is that you and your receding hairline peaked in 2011.
6. You’re the pledge master.
We understand the need for hazing as a rite of passage and as a fun time to give back to the younger generation what thou hast had done to you, but relax. Being the pledge master, AKA the notoriously worst hazer in your frat, signifies to girls that you have an evil streak and you take shit too seriously. This isn’t Nazi Germany, Fuhrer, so getting a power trip from forcing a few eighteen-year-olds to take out your garbage makes you look like a try-hard loser.
7. You’re that guy who had a hearing about his sexual harassment.
This one’s pretty obvious, but nothing sends a red flag quite like a judicial meeting from your school because you’re a predator among anyone with a vagina and a glass of boxed wine. When in doubt, don’t fuck someone who’s unconscious. God, that’s like Frat 101. Also, if you need your fraternity name and a roofied beer in order to get a girl into your bed, you have bigger problems than your lack of game.
8. Your room is the bro den of the frat house.
I understand that this is a special time to live among your frattiest friends, unconstrained by societal norms like putting on deodorant and not being high 24/7, but no girl will want to fuck you if your room is the hangout spot for you and your 18 closest BFFs. Get some privacy if you expect to have sex with anyone besides the naïve freshman girl who buys weed from you.
9. You take frat rituals too seriously.
This includes anything from hazing, to philanthropy events, to chapter. This is a social club founded on the principles of having sex and getting fucked up. Remember that mission next time you have the urge to yell at someone for not showing up to shit, or decide to actually care about the venue where your formal is located.
10. You visit your fraternity excessively after graduation.
There is no loser like the frat loser who can’t accept the fact that he’s not in college anymore. You graduated. It’s time to move on and stop popping in on the new generation every chance your boss lets you leave work early on Friday. Sure, these may have been your glory days, but they’re over, man. Time to get a life in the real world.