10 Relationship Commandments From A Serial Monogamist


  1. Thou shalt not only take pictures with thy partner.
    Seriously. Nothing is worse than traveling to cool places with a boyfriend, only to break up with him and literally have zero pictures that are still postable. Make sure to take some solo pics when you travel, and when you’re with a group of friends, put him on the end. Breaking up is hard, but cropping someone out of a picture who isn’t on the end is even harder.
  2. Thou shalt not stay Facebook friends with thy ex.
    At least at the beginning. As soon as you break up, delete him on all forms of social media (and if you want to go the extra mile, block him as well). If you ended on good terms, explain to him that it’s not personal, but it’s just too hard to be reminded of him whilst trying to get over him. Plus, when you start dating someone new, you look kind of shitty if you’re still friends will all of your exes.
  3. Thou shalt not wear intimate jewelry from thy ex.
    There are a few items that just scream “boyfriend.” Small pendants, anything with a heart, or if it looks like it came in a Tiffany’s box then it’s a no-go. Avoid the awkward questions from your new boyfriend and either pack them away or sell them. Because trust me, he knows that your dad didn’t buy you that necklace.
  4. Thou shalt remember the usable gifts, and keep them in thy life.
    Bags, shoes, clothes, and non-romantic household items are fair game. No need to throw out perfectly good running shoes or the cat mug he gave you. As long as it’s functional, relatively undocumented (boys search Facebook too), and doesn’t remind you too much of your ex, you’re in the clear to keep using it.
  5. Honor thy memories and keep them straight.
    Nothing is worse than bringing up a funny memory only to have the person say “Yeah…that wasn’t with me.” Keep your facts straight. Remember who you went where with and always mentally fact check a nostalgic moment before uttering it to your current bf.
  6. Thou shalt not confuse thy parents.
    Having a lot of serious relationships can really throw the parentals off. Best advice is to only bring home serious guys, and even then prep your family before they see him each time. Remind them that this is the guy who took you to formal, not the one who took you to Cabo. Try to keep the guy away from senile grandparents because they will 100 percent fuck the facts up and make you look like an asshole.
  7. Thou shalt not refuse the return of gifts, if thy ex was an asshole.
    I know it seems like the “right” thing to do. You decide to part ways, and he offers to give back the X-Box, the iPad, or whatever other expensive device that you purchased for him. Your gut reaction is to say no, because you got it for him and it would make you sad to see it and blah, blah, blah. Fast forward when you’re dying to buy a tablet or really need some cash. You’ll wish you had snatched that gift out of the loser’s hand when you had the chance.
  8. Thou shalt not obsess over thy ex’s new girlfriend.
    Nothing is more pathetic than talking to, stalking, or going out of your way to make contact with your replacement. And trust me, there are going to be tons of new girlfriends. Go on, let her have your sloppy seconds. It will be your good deed for the year.
  9. Thou shalt not obsess over thy boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.
    If you’re a serial monogamist, then you’ll be faced with a lot of boyfriends, most of whom have a lot of exes. It’s annoying, frustrating, and while you’d like to murder them all, you can’t. Or at least, I know nothing and be sure to wear gloves. The next best thing is to pretend that they don’t exist and always remember: She lost, you won, let it go.
  10. Thou shalt not hook up with or date any of thy ex’s friends.
    That’s just fucked up. Unless he really screwed you over, then by all means, fuck him over by fucking his friends. You know what they say, “All is fair in love and war. Unless he cheated on you. Then nothing is fair and make that asshole pay.”

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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