To avoid that awful feeling in your gut when you wake up and know you committed a regrettable act, or maybe seconds before you leave with one, keep these ground rules on who you should never hook up with in the back of your mind.
1. Your ex.
I know this is really tempting, but the “we’re just friends who hook up now,” or “I should remind him what he’s missing,” reasons aren’t valid. He’s an ex, not a friend. There’s a difference. Exes are lethal and you two are no longer together for a reason. I understand that old habits die hard, but getting with him is probably something you will regret the next day.
2. Your best guy friend.
Don’t eat where you shit. There is no such thing as an uncomplicated friends with benefits situation–if you really value this guy’s companionship, then hooking up with him will most likely screw it up. There is also a chance that he is already into you so if you don’t feel him that way, hooking up may give him the wrong impression. You don’t want to lead him on if it was a one time thing for you.
3. The upperclassman who CHOOSES to live in the dorms.
The only time it is ever okay to walk of shame out of the dorms is if you are an underclassman who also lives in the dorms. It should also be a pretty big red flag if a 21- or 22-year-old dude chooses to live amongst 18-year-olds. The only loophole to this rule is if he is employed by the university or something along those lines.
4. The terrible kisser.
Just trust me. If he is a bad kisser, there is a very slim chance that he is good at anything else. Just save yourself a night of awkward.
5. The guy known for getting around.
Every girl loves a bad boy, but he got that reputation for a reason. There are a lot of guys who hook up with a lot of girls, but you usually only find out about a few for one reason: they gloat about it. You don’t want to be known for hooking up with him and you don’t want the entire world to know your business. This guy definitely feeds off attention and thinks he needs to keep his rep up, so sadly you are just another conquest he can tell all his friends about.
6. The guy who can’t remember your name.
So you’re talking to this really cute guy at the bar and you’ve introduced yourself but he keeps calling you “babe”–that is a sure sign he already forgot your name. He probably won’t ask what it is again out of embarrassment, or he might not even care, but there is nothing more horrifying than him asking you in the morning. To avoid this tragic situation, just blatantly ask, “Do you know what my name is?” If he answers correctly and you are into him, fair game. If he doesn’t, WALK AWAY.
7. The really drunk guy.
This might be someone you have hooked up with before or someone new, but if he is very obviously trashed, do not go home with him. There are so many reasons not to, but the first and most obvious one: whiskey dick. It’s not even worth the trouble. Also, what if he pees the bed or throws up when he is drunk? Ain’t nobody got time for that. You can also avoid the “What happened last night?” conversation that isn’t pretty for anyone.
8. The guy with a girlfriend.
Homewrecking. No. Have you ever heard anyone say “Jen is nice, but I am totally team Angelina?” Of course not! There are a lot of ways to fall into this trap. He might say they are not together, he might say he is “soooo unhappy,” or he might say that he’s breaking up with her for you. These are all what we, in the industry, call “lies.” If you like him and this is your way to try and win him over, just remember that he will do the same thing to you. This also puts your friends in an extremely sticky situation because it is going to be hard for them to defend you but they still want to have your back. And it’s all completely avoidable. Be the bigger person and put yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes (even if she is a Canadian with no sexual charisma).
9. The house dad of a fraternity.
Oy vey, where do I even begin? I honestly think this should be a standards issue because it is such a no. It already kind of sucks seeing guys you previously had relations with at the frat house, but at least they are active members and not employed by it. But seeing the house dad policing an event after you’ve hooked up with him is seriously unimaginable. The members of the frat will definitely make fun of you. You will never live it down, because the “it was one time” defense won’t do diddly-squat for your case, so just don’t let it happen.
10. Your friend’s single dad.
That’s just mean. Why would you ever do that?