It’s truly a travesty that sorority girls don’t create emojis. We use them the most, which should give us exclusive rights to their formation. We are the best at crafting, after all. Emojis are always the best form of communication. They work whether you’re too drunk to function or trying to find the perfect balance between ending a text with a period or a “haha.” Fortunately, there are already a number of emojis that are relevant to our lifestyle–I’m referring to every move pink shirt girl makes. That hair flip equals an immediate bid. Obviously, the world would be much improved if sorority girls ran it, and that includes the world of emojis.
The best way to explain you’re popping Champagne like you won the championship game, that you’ve been drinking mimosas since sunrise, or that you finished up a bottle of Andre on your own before the pregame is with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot. I sense a branding partnership in the Emoji world’s future. While we’re on the subject of cocktails, I firmly believe that white wine, shot glasses, and tequila ones should exist, too, all paired with a hungover Emoji for the next morning.
2. Side Eye
You know pink shirt girl throws some serious shade. She loves haircuts, manicures, and saying a firm “no,” arms crossed. All she needs to be a complete, 100 percent, authentic sorority girl is side eye–and possibly a middle finger Emoji to accompany her angst. After all, sometimes a picture is better than profanity.
3. The Bro
Where’s the bro? Sneaking off to MO with a rando? There’s blue shirt boy (spotted with both his girlfriend and boyfriend) but no true douchebag to explain the events of last night. I guess the smiling poop Emoji will have to be enough…for now.
4. Money Eyes
One of the best Emojis ever is obviously the smiley with hearts in its eyes. It’s best used when I’m trying to communicate my love for my little or ice cream. Unfortunately, sometimes I’ve got dollar signs in my eyes, and heart eyes with a money bag just doesn’t have the same impact. Sure, you can fall in love with a human, but you can also fall in love with something designer, and that’s where money eyes come in.
While you can use a splash of gold when you’re desperate, what we really need is real, sparkly, gets everywhere glitter. How else can you explain that you spent the day crafting or that you’re searching for the perfect shade of glitter to cover your paddle (or body) in? I’m talking Ke$ha levels of glitz, pre-rehab. I want an Emoji with enough glitter to make a toddler with a tiara jealous.
Of course there’s the basic coffee Emoji, but sorority girls are a different breed. Where’s the Pumpkin Spice Latte? The jack-o’-lantern mixed with the coffee mug doesn’t count. I’m talking full mermaid Starbs cup, calories excluded.
Sometimes the Red Woman Zumba-ing doesn’t cut it. We need a Miley Cyrus Emoji really tearing up the dance floor, something to show you were getting down and getting it last night, without having to explain your slootiness in words.
8. A Pickle
If your favorite page of Emojis is not the one with a cigarette, bomb, gun, and knife side by side, you’ve probably never threatened anyone, and you definitely haven’t been called crazy by five separate boys this year alone. I both pity and admire you. Teach me your ways? It’s unclear why there’s an entire page of Emojis devoted to plotting murder, but who am I to question insanity? That’s my not-boyfriend’s job, obviously. Now, if only the Emojis could get dirtier instead of just dangerous, because that eggplant is just not cutting it. Even a pickle would be a superior Emoji.
Right now, there’s a heart shot with an arrow and a wide variety of colorful hearts, but no Cupid. How do you explain that you really hit it off with your Tinder date or that you set your little up with the frat star of her dreams? After being the perfect wingwoman all night, you deserve thanks in the form of a fat, cherubic baby in a diaper.
At the very least, I believe a large sombrero is necessary. Sometimes you just want to group text about Taco Tuesday without words. Even a burrito would be appetizing. Chipotle, preferably.
Image via Get Emoji